THE FIRST JOB

The first job is probably the one where you learn the most.
Not necessarily about your job, but about yourself. One of the things I was sure about, I slowly came to realise that it didn’t apply to me at all. I just couldn’t leave the job in the office. I took it home, nursed it to anger and disappointment, sometimes it cried a little, sometimes it also had a lot of fun, laughed about things that happened a few hours ago, but strangely, I also took it to my bed. It lullabied in my sleep and woke me the next morning with the sound of the alarm clock. Why was I so weak? How could I possibly let this happen? I really thought I was strong enough to keep everything that wasn’t private out of my apartment.

But then I began to wonder: maybe I was too serious. Too seriously involved with what I was doing. Or maybe I was just too weak to shut it all out. Things went on, work went on, things changed, work changed.
Then I realised: it was not at all about the seriousness, but something way more powerful. It was about how much I was in love with what I was doing. It fuelled my sense of responsibility, yes. It also let me work more than I thought I could work and yes, it would cost a lot of energy and some private and downtime at home, as it would take away time for family and friends. Added to this, though, was a sense of fulfilment, of conquering the doubts one has before the first job: am I good enough for this? Is this really what I want?
So, yes, I was good enough, and yes, there is (hopefully) more potential! And yes, this is absolutely what I want. Seriously, what could be more satisfying?

I think I needed a little time out to realise two things: that being serious is not a mistake per se as long as you know and keep within the limits of your own capabilities and sometimes take a step back (or six weeks off) and look at the whole damn thing. Most often, it’s not worth getting angry but worth fighting for better circumstances or for more experience or for more money or (fill in your motivation for doing your job here). And the other thing I learned is that sometimes your best friend just needs to tell you how your eyes sparkle when you tell her details of your job, that you finally know: this is it. Jackpot.

I just have to remember to shut the door right behind me when I’m home.